this is a sonnet I wrote, but really needs some work- I'm not sure how to fix it up.
any help would be great, as long as you know how to write sonnets! (not meant as an insult, sonnets are uber specifically formatted)
a withered leaf does dance down through the air
and lands among a thousand fallen kin
she fell despite her most insistent pray'r
and to her doom she then began to spin***
we shone a splendid green, so full of life
then bloomed into a beauty so diverse
in golds and crimsons sharper than a knife
our time is then cut short by mortal's curse
Alone and cold, disjointed we will fall
our momentary season breaking off
we find our lives confined in autumn's thrall
who discards leaves upon wind's winter scoff
And though the equinox is such a thief###
Is life less lovely just because it's brief?
***alternate line for quatrain one, please tell me which works the best, these or the original:
'and payed the price for the primary sin'
'the punishment for the inceptive sin'
Another alternate line
###And though the equinox creates such grief
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there!
Nice job with a really tricky form! I really like the way this poem evokes the feeling of spinning in leaves, of swirling colors and ideas. I was a little confused about the different images of the rejected first woman, forced out into the hard world (winter's scoff) and the death in the ending couplet. I also think you're right to change the last line of the first stanza--it's a little confusing within the metaphor, since the leaf has already fallen and she is in the process of falling.
One other minor detail: in a few places you have some lovely Shakespeare-sounding phrases, such as "a withered leaf does dance" and "insistent pray'r". Since you're not writing during the 17th century, they don't really belong. I know they serve to keep the meter and the inflection, but one of your jobs as a modern-day user of the form is to find ways to fit today's language into sonnet form. In the case of "pray'r", that's such a negligible syllable that you can just change it to "prayer". Even the masters of the sonnet add a few extra syllables when it makes for a better poem; form isn't meant to be restrictive or keep out good words.
Overall, it's a very interesting topic, beautifully explored. Good work!
-Sophie
Hi,
I really enjoyed this. You manage the form really well. I love the imagery of the leaf falling. I think you're right that the last line of the first stanza is a little weak as the syntax is a bit twisted. I think the two alternative options aren't great because the leaf's "sin" hasn't been mentioned. Maybe you could try;
"And paid the price for original sin",
if you want to stick with the sin notion. I'd also explore some other options for this line.
I'd change "sharper than a knife" as it's cliche. I really like;
"our time is then cut short by mortal's curse".
I love the third stanza. The imagery is great and it flows beautifully. I'd capitalize the "w" in "wind" to emphasize the personification.
I prefer "thief" to "grief", but I'd change "such a" to "a (and an adjective)" as I think it would sound less forced than "such a".
Hope this helps.
Jas
P.s: If you're interested in sonnets, there's a really great anthology of contemporary sonnets called "No Bliss Like This", which you might enjoy!
WOW! I was recently considering writing a sonnet, but didn't really have any idea how to start: maybe you could PM me some hints?
I really liked this poem, it was so Shakespearean! I liked the use of language, and as for your choice of lines:
*** is great how it is. Don't change it. However, ### : the alternate version is my favorite. Don't just take my advice: ask a variety of people. maybe make a poll: it's quicker and easier for the reader and writer.
All in all, great job - I would really like some sonnet advice!
Pgsgirl